Belonging Shouldn’t Cost You Your Boundaries

Six weeks after moving from Madrid to Toronto for work, Elena joined a neighborhood food program. She had left behind friends who had known her since childhood, and volunteering gave her somewhere to go on Saturday mornings. It also helped her begin recognizing familiar faces in an unfamiliar city.

At first, Elena enjoyed every part of the experience. She sorted groceries, welcomed new families and stayed behind to clean. When another volunteer canceled, she covered the shift. When the coordinator needed someone to make reminder calls, Elena accepted that responsibility too.

Before long, her name appeared beside nearly every task on the sign-up sheet.

When Being Needed Feels Like Belonging

Elena never complained. As a newcomer, she worried that refusing a request might make her seem ungrateful or unreliable. Being needed felt remarkably similar to belonging, so she continued saying yes even as the responsibilities accumulated.

Then a colleague invited her to spend a weekend exploring Toronto. Elena declined because the food program needed extra help. The following week, she missed a language-exchange gathering for the same reason.

Although she spent every Saturday surrounded by people, her life outside the program was becoming smaller. The commitment that had helped her connect with the community was now limiting her opportunities to build friendships, exercise and rest.

One morning, the coordinator noticed that Elena looked exhausted and asked how many hours she had been volunteering. Elena’s answer surprised her. Nobody had deliberately assigned Elena so much work. Each person had simply assumed that someone else was keeping track.

Sharing Responsibility

Elena and the coordinator reviewed the sign-up sheet together. Elena chose to volunteer two Saturdays each month and agreed to train another person to manage the reminder calls.

The new arrangement benefited everyone. The organization gained clearer responsibilities, while Elena recovered time for other parts of her life. She could continue supporting a cause she valued without treating every unfilled task as her personal obligation.

Her experience reflects a challenge many people face when trying to build relationships in a new environment. Helping others can create meaningful connections, but the desire to be accepted can also make personal limits difficult to recognize.

This struggle is not limited to migrants. It can affect students, caregivers, professionals and anyone who fears that saying no will disappoint people they value.

Healthy Service Requires Boundaries

If you regularly support a community or organization, consider whether your commitments are sustainable. Are you contributing because the work matters to you, or because you fear losing your place if you decline?

Organizations must examine their responsibilities as well. It is easy to celebrate dependable volunteers while quietly allowing difficult tasks to accumulate around them. Clear expectations and shared responsibility protect both the people receiving support and those providing it.

Elena did not stop volunteering. She simply stopped believing that every empty space on the sign-up sheet belonged to her.

Healthy belonging welcomes your contribution without demanding your exhaustion. Commitment and boundaries can exist together.

By Dr. David Rex Orgen, Best-Selling Author and International Mental Health Expert