Living Between Two Calendars

Every month, Mariam checked two calendars.

One tracked her life in Chicago: rent payments, work shifts, college assignments, final examinations, and appointments for her children.

The other existed mostly in her mind. It held family celebrations in Ghana, birthdays she might miss, school fees relatives expected her to help pay, and promises to send money home.

Some days, it felt as though the two calendars were competing.

When Important Commitments Collide

Mariam wanted to attend her cousin’s wedding in Ghana, but the ceremony fell during her final college examinations.

Her family struggled to understand why she could not attend.

“Surely, you can arrange something,” her aunt suggested.

Mariam tried to explain that she had returned to school while working so she could improve her family’s long-term financial future. Missing her examinations could delay that progress.

Even so, she ended the conversation feeling guilty.

People who migrate often continue living emotionally in more than one place. Their daily responsibilities belong to their present environment, while their memories, relationships, and family expectations remain tied to another home.

Technology makes staying connected easier, but it can also create the impression that distance should no longer affect someone’s availability. Relatives may call at inconvenient hours without considering time differences. They may assume that anyone earning money abroad can always provide financial help.

Meanwhile, the person living abroad may feel responsible for everything happening back home while managing work, education, parenting, bills, and other demands in the country where they now live.

Replacing Guilt With Clear Boundaries

Over time, Mariam had developed a habit of apologizing for nearly every decision she made. She apologized when she could not send extra money, when she missed family events, and even when she needed an evening without telephone calls.

Then her daughter asked why she always seemed worried after speaking with relatives.

The question made Mariam reconsider the expectations she had accepted.

She began explaining her responsibilities more clearly. She created a realistic budget for supporting relatives and communicated important academic dates in advance. She also continued participating in family events whenever her circumstances allowed.

Some relatives understood immediately. Others needed time.

The most important change was within Mariam herself. She stopped treating every disappointed expectation as proof that she had failed someone.

Healthy relationships require consideration from both sides. If you have moved away from home, remember that love does not demand constant availability or financial sacrifice beyond your capacity.

If you have relatives abroad, take an interest in their actual lives instead of focusing only on what they can provide. Ask about their responsibilities, wellbeing, and the pressures they may find difficult to explain.

Mariam still keeps two calendars, but she no longer expects herself to be fully present in two places at the same time.

You can honor the life you came from without abandoning the life you are building.

By Dr. David Rex Orgen, Best-Selling Author and International Mental Health Expert